One step at a time

We made it through. Five days after Morgan's due date, I still can't shake the sadness. I awoke at 5 a.m. this morning just thinking about him. After lying in bed for a half-hour, I finally decided that the sandman would not return. So, I went into the kitchen, made myself a snack and started writing.

I wrote down the thoughts swirling inside my head about Morgan, the circumstances we dealt with and the process of grieving that never seems to completely disappear. In a way, I'm happy that the sadness isn't gone because that would mean I'd be forgetting. And I never want to forget.

But as I wrote about the funeral, I was reminded of the future by several light kicks from within. Our little one on the way in July is who we live for, who we keep putting one step in front of the other for. And I never want to forget that either.

How is it possible to still grieve, yet rejoice in the same moment? Motherhood sure is confusing.