It's been a while

I have a few Christmas items I want to share, but right now, I want to wish you a Happy New Year.

For some, it's been the best year on record. For others, it's been less than perfect. For all, it's an opportunity to live this next year to its fullest.

Here's to a blessed 2010 filled with happiness, love and lots of learning. (and hopefully a little Burkey baby)

Cheers!

So-so ultrasound news

First things first -- Merry Christmas Eve! Here's to work going quickly, the sleet holding off and a blessed holiday with friends and family.

Well, Brent and I made it to the 9 a.m. appointment. Right before we walked in, we sat in the Tracker. I muttered a few prayers under my breath, trying to calm my anxiety. I'm still convinced my heart was trying to escape.

Ultrasound technician Tim took us back almost immediately, even though we were 10 minutes early. He asked how I was feeling, if there were any changes. I smiled and said not really. "I'm hoping for good news from you, Tim."

"Well, from your smile, I'm hoping to give that to you," he replied.

I sat in the reclined chair contraption, he squirted on the jelly and there was the baby.
With a heartbeat of 167 bpm. (Oh, thank you, God, I whispered.)

Now for the slightly disheartening part. The ugly clot is still there; it's just a radically different shape. Instead of being clumped together around the gestational sac, it's now an hourglass shape. Part is down below, which is good because it's slowly spotting out. The part is still next to the baby.

No one can tell us what that means, really. And the things it could be are endless -- more active bleeding, no extra bleeding, it's coming out, it's staying the same, etc. -- and annoying. We're still considered a high-risk pregnancy, and we're still on the wait-and-see plan. Comforting, huh?

We're about 10-and-a-half weeks right now. Our next appointment Jan. 6 -- 9:20 a.m. ultrasound, 9:45 a.m. regular ob appointment that was previously scheduled. Tim said either the clot will disappear over the next two weeks, or I will bleed out and miscarry. That's at least what usually happens.

Then again, "usual" percentages haven't been on our side in 2009, which could be a good thing. As Brent said, at least our next appointment is in 2010 and it just has to be a better year.

Twelve more hours

I've lost count of how many ultrasounds we've had so far with this pregnancy. But each is never as important as the looming one, that's for sure.

Our next one is at 9 a.m. tomorrow, Christmas Eve.

I'm prepared for the clot getting a little bigger.
I'm expecting to see that little flickering heartbeat.
I'm praying to see no clot at all.

In my heart, I know I have to be ready for the worst. We've been through it before.
But I don't know anyone in his or her right mind who can mentally plan for the death of their child.
And, so, I refuse to.

Merry Christmas, everybody

Since I'm pretty much bound to the house, Brent and I have been able to get a lot of Christmas decorations up.
It's amazing how a little bit of garland and the smell of pine can make the whole house cheery.

How great was that snowstorm?

I must admit that I didn't believe the weatherpeople. They've been wrong before, and they'll be wrong again.

Not this time! With inches of snow falling, hubby and I snuggled in for a snowday. We watched movies, baked cookies and played with puppy in the snow. She L-O-V-E-D the snowbanks. While Brent did all the heavy lifting clearing our walkway, Lucy ran up and down the streets licking the snow and plowing into snowbanks. She'd disappear, and then her little head would pop out of the pristine snow. Hilarious/

The part that knocked my boots off? We awoke Sunday morning to our next-door neighbors snowblowing our sidewalk and driveway! What wonderful neighbors we have! We're so blessed to have them.

I jumped out of bed before Mass, and quickly baked banana bread for them. It was the least I could do as they braved the wind and below-freezing temperatures!

Take a peek

The ultrasound two weeks ago was nearly perfect. (Nearly, because we still have the dumb clot.)

I am kicking myself for not asking for a printout picture, though. The baby was lying on its back, squirming away. While still in black and white, the profile of the little guy or gal was perfect. We could see the heart fluttering, the legs kicking and the hands waving.

This time, it was still a miracle to see that little bean wriggling around. However, the baby was on the side, looking inside out through my belly. We could see one arms underneath the head, and the other arm was rubbing his or her face. So sweet!

For the past bit, I've tried to scan in the photo. It's not working. Grr... I'll keep trying and hopefully post the photo later.

Delayed reaction

So, it's Sunday night, and waaaay past Thursday when we had the ultrasound. Sorry for the delay.

Tim, the ultrasound technician, greeted us with his coke-bottle glasses and weary smile, as he walked us back to the room. He squeezed the cold jelly on my tummy, and placed the doppler on top.

He found a heartbeat. A heartbeat with 171 beats per minute, which is the same as a week ago.
(VICTORY!)

But, he also found the hematoma. And a bigger hematoma at that. Turns out, it grew a centimeter.
(CRAP)

Tim told us that he's seen women with hematomas this large before. Some have made it to term, so have not. He asked if we wanted to come back in a week to check on the mass again or wait two weeks.

Brent fielded that question for me. "Next week. I don't care if it's Christmas Eve."

So ... 9 a.m. Dec. 24 it is. Praying that this little miracle continues to fight for his or her life. Praying that this stupid blood clot starts receding. Praying that we make it to July.