One step at a time

We made it through. Five days after Morgan's due date, I still can't shake the sadness. I awoke at 5 a.m. this morning just thinking about him. After lying in bed for a half-hour, I finally decided that the sandman would not return. So, I went into the kitchen, made myself a snack and started writing.

I wrote down the thoughts swirling inside my head about Morgan, the circumstances we dealt with and the process of grieving that never seems to completely disappear. In a way, I'm happy that the sadness isn't gone because that would mean I'd be forgetting. And I never want to forget.

But as I wrote about the funeral, I was reminded of the future by several light kicks from within. Our little one on the way in July is who we live for, who we keep putting one step in front of the other for. And I never want to forget that either.

How is it possible to still grieve, yet rejoice in the same moment? Motherhood sure is confusing.

March 25

Brent went to three different stores to find the perfect present for his first little one. And what he found was simply perfect. The fluffy, soft lamb and the beautiful wreath gently leaned against the flowers we put there a few weeks earlier.

Darkness was creeping up on us as we stood, hand in hand, looking down at our baby's grave. But we didn't care. Nothing was going to rush our visit -- we prayed, told Morgan how much we miss him and plopped our kisses on the stone.


The real news was that when we walked up to the marker, there was this little bunny stuck in the ground right next to the stone. Brent and I quickly looked around at the other baby's graves, but Morgan's was the only one who had it. Who put it there? It wasn't my parents, and no one else really knows where Morgan is.

In the end, all that matters it that our child has more visitors than just his parents. And that warms my heart beyond words.

It's disappearing

Last night, I opened Morgan's box. It hadn't been opened since I closed it a few weeks after his funeral

My fingers delicately touched the dried flowers. I leafed through the cards -- both congratulations and condolences -- people sent us. My eyes met the ultrasound pictures with sadness.

As I stared at the photo, I realized that it seems to be getting darker. The little peanut in the picture is fading into darkness. And that was the end of me keeping it together. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Why is it fading? What is going on? This is my only tangible memory.

And it's disappearing.

I think that is the hardest realization today.

Missing you always, my little love

My due date was March 25.


We guessed at when the baby would come -- March 22 on Mom's birthday? Or maybe on one of the other extended family member's birthday? Or would the baby have a day all to himself?

Turns out, Morgan does share a birthday with one of my uncles, September 5.

I'm missing you always, my little love. Daddy and I will see you tomorrow.

I won

After nearly two weeks of being haunted by the plague, I've made it to the other side. (But still taking meds for me ear infection.)

News in babyland: I witnessed the strangest thing since becoming pregnant -- seeing my stomach move. I've felt the little peanut in there since week 17, but the other day I saw something roll across my stomach from the inside. If that's not enough to make you giggle, I don't know what is.

The only unfortunate part was when I saw her acrobatic moves at Mass. I was following along in the missalette. Lo and behold, during the second reading, she bobbed and weaved. I started smiling and then had to stifle my laugh. (No one else found the adulteress being stoned funny, after all.)

Looks like Munchkin is getting me into trouble already!

Nursery time

As some of you know, I had a bit of a squirrelcidence Thursday night. But that is one blog post that is simply too exhausting to rehash right now.

Saturday morning, my family is coming to paint the nursery!! I'm so excited. My brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law gave me a "day of labor" for Christmas, and I plan to use those (give-or-take) eight golden hours carefully. As a super-added bonus, Mom and Dad are helping with the house. (This is on top of Mom basically disinfecting our entire house on Friday. Not sure I'd ever get close to repaying her for that one.)

I promise to post pics of our little one's new abode soon.  In the meantime, I'm still

Now, it's official

On Sunday, we were lounging around before heading to Mass. I was on the couch, and Brent in the papazon chair. (You know, those things that Pier 1 sells.)

The baby has been rolling a lot more lately, and every so often the kicking/punching ups the power amps. As my stomach came under assault, I hurriedly told hubby to come over. He jumped up, spilling a few drops of coffee and sending the puppy flying off his lap.

(Now, usually, he'll get to me and then there's nothing. Or, there's movement, but only I can feel it from the inside.)

I told him to stick both hands on my tummy. And then, WHAM, a big kick/punch right below my bellybutton. I stared at Brent for his reaction. He was still looking down. Annoyed at the lack of reaction, I asked, "Did you feel that?!"

His steady answer (as only Brent can answer): "I felt a fluctuation where my thumb is."

"THAT'S THE BABY, SILLY!" I half-laughed incredulously.

"Hm. Then, yeah, I felt her."  (Gotta love the German stoicism.) Just wait until he can see her moving inside of me! That will really freak him out. Although, deep down, I envy his calm nature. That is certainly going to come in handy come July.

Happy 20 weeks, two days, munchkin!

This morning, we had our ultrasound and regular OB appointment. On our drive there, I asked Brent if he was anxious. He put into words what I was thinking, too.

"It's weird driving here without the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. And that's making me anxious."

 Good point. Sadly, we're so used to go to the doctor's preparing for bad news or just so-so news. This time, it's allllllll goooood.

The baby is in the 60th percentile for weight, the stomach, kidneys, bladder, spine, etc. are all in working order. Tim (our ultrasound technician BFF) told us "everything looks textbook. And this is the one time you want your baby to be average." (AMEN!)

 Beating the odds never felt so good. Happy half-way, baby Burkey!

Day care update No. 1

Friday night, we headed to a woman's house close to our house. She has an in-home day care, which I found on Craigslist. My expectations weren't the highest, but I thought it was at least a place we check out first. Boy, was that a mistake! She didn't show us around the house (despite us prompting), she had to get the certification and license that is required by the day (why wouldn't you offer that first?) and a whole host of other negatives. So, she's crossed off.

Then, on Monday, we stopped by a bigger day care on Route 30. While exciting and much better organized, Brent and I went into sticker shock. This baby isn't even out of my womb yet, and she's going to cost a fortune! We go to see a few more in the next week and a half. Hopefully, some place will meet our needs, expectations and budget.